Sometimes when I am alone in my room, in my completely disheveled room,( where a lot of dreams lie crushed and crumpled along with the clothes from yest or from the day before, where a lot of quiet sighs can be heard if one listened carefully enough, where you can also see some wet tears on the pillow cases from the crying I did last night if one looked hard enough for the tiny bedbugs which have made our lives impossible), I feel so strangely at peace with the eerie,ringing loneliness,helplessness,the looming uncertainty,the mess of heartbreaks, the silent accusations and the happiness tugging at me alongside too. I just throw my tiredness, my distress and my jacket and bag to a corner into a clumsy lump when I get back home, and lie down in the dark, thinking about nothing. So much has been happening, from the fall of a country’s economy on which somehow I was banking (I would like to digress here and say I never really banked on an economy ,period.) to the whole ‘I-left-him-for-him’ guilt eating away my conscience to the everyday waking up to nothing,zilch. So much has been also fading into insignificance at the same time. Like undue worrying won’t take me or you or us anywhere, life is following a certain pattern, which is beyond our understanding.We just happen to be witnessing some rough edges of it.And I don’t think I want to preach by assuming things will be fine, for things will definitely not be bad forever.Everything has it’s turn, good and bad.While we cry over here on our exams and everyday life in a foreign country, I cannot even imagine myself being in the place of those who are loosing their loved ones this very second, those who are poor and have nowhere and no one to turn to.I mean,this is the way things are!
And it’s not like I am trying to sit here on a pedestal and give a sermon.
I might just finish writing this, go upstairs to my room and cry.Cry because I miss being a child to two grown-ups who could just take care of me and end my daily fight, cry out of longing to get away and not being able to because I do not have money, cry because I have no clue of what am I going to do once I am done with school.
I want to get done with studies, exams ,yes, but with school coming to an end,it will also mean the end of a time of familiarity and spoon-feeding and the forceful letting go off things you knew to things unknown.And despite what all the great self-help books proclaim, who isn’t scared of the unknown?
And those guilt trips make things worse.It’s been a while now.I did do what people are making out of the whole thing, but I did not fall out of love.I cannot and should not defend myself here, but I need someone to know that I did not mean to repeat a jinx, I did not mean to lower his self-esteem.I just realized a few things, and I feel bad it involved two people.I am sorry, I feel bad…
But as I write this, and think of so many things at the same time, it also dawns on me that all said and done, life has a very magical quality.It just suddenly elevates your mood and alleviates the immediate concerns,if not permanently,but long enough to make you happy.What can match the happiness at the prospect of a good lunch after a hungry long day, a good warm shower, a good happy,loving message or a simple I love you!.Nothing can.
So, it basically boils down to one thing- life is a pattern of things which have been happening and which will happen.We are not the exceptions, we might be some rules though.We might be some jinxes too,hmm!