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My Return…

I never had the courage to blog anything about my coming back from America.It felt too hard,the emotions were very raw and they have still not fully sunk in and not been dealt with even after 8 months of leaving.It still creates that ugly swollen lump in my throat and makes me want to escape elsewhere.
But I am trying to muster my courage now.To try to bring it out of my system.Those last few days of relentless worrying,not so much about a job,but about my life in general.That ugly pattern of coming this close to something good,and then having to turn your back on it because of circumstances outside my control seemed to be have become very distinguishable in my life.All that was going through my mind was a series of images of going ‘back home’,to India.Yes,it might sound like I was worried about the most frivolous of things,but those had a under-lying deeper concern.I was wondering if I could ever go out and not get leered at,if I could go out to a bar and order a drink and not be stared at with a stupid expression, if I could wear clothes of my choice and walk and do my thing.I feared how I would react to my personal space being small once again,to my freedom to express and be myself being gone ,and whether or not I would make my peace ever again with a compromised sense of everything.Yes,I was worried about the small things a lot,but I was also worried about ‘us’.What would happen to this thing that we had started,that was so lovely,so warm,so close to my heart and something that was just right for me.I wondered if this was also something that was a mere tease.I could only experience it for a short time before it was abruptly snatched away from me.
Everything happened so fast,and all those questions I had were just so much that I could not completely be myself and think and take a decision.I felt too weak ,at the hands of this force which seemed to have always controlled the more important decisions of my life,I felt like I was once again being played,in the sense,I would keep thinking of why these bad things happened to me,and then later compromise and resign to my fate thinking  it happened for my good,never knowing what if it had not.
I left America on the 29th of Aug.I had stayed up the whole night the night before,simply trying to quell those fears of the unknown and those anxieties and last minute panic attacks.I wanted to cry,but by then I was kind of not also ready to cry and go through it.I was very numb.I felt very actively emotional inside ,deep inside but not so much willing to show it on the outside.I felt like if I did that I would be a very easy target.I looked out the window very early in the morning and saw the day break slowly,the early morning pure light filtering in through the clouds and the colors of that day looked very soothing,just like any other day I guess ,but tinged with a feeling that that was going to be it,for a while atleast.Each passing minute was like a tiny event,very significant and I was very alert of every thing I did.
I walked around the airport in a daze.Watching fondly the by now familiar looking people,their ways,the shops and eateries,the menus,the food,the big cups of coffee,those big over-sized glasses of soda ,the soft ways in which the pretty young girls glide and the unmistakable fragrance of youth,freedom and abundance.All of that was very endearing to me,they felt like they were all mine.Like I belonged to there and coming here 2 years back and assimilating into their culture was very effortless and a joy to experience.
Walking into that plane was like finally sealing the deal.That was it,right?I had to go,there was no turning back and this is where my dream,my time in this happy place  ends.Everything ahead of this was unknown and could be dealt with later.
The plane taxied and speeded up,and then it took off.Being air-borne ,those first few quick seconds of an adrenaline rush,made me want to cry,really bad.I made a massive effort to stop it,and not be carried away by that moment.But as the city grew brighter and lights sprung up from below and as the city grew bigger lighted with the brilliance of so many lights,it also grew farther away from me and eventually dimmer and dimmer till we left it far behind.
It was now just a tiny spot on the map and I was quickly moving away from it to yet another little spot.
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2 thoughts on “My Return…

  1. Kudos to you writing about your experience. I can imagine it was a very, very emotional homecoming. It’s okay to feel so conflicted, you know?

    Beautiful post, such vivid details.

  2. It is very shocking that I read your post at the same time that I was discussing with my roommate – “why I don’t want to go back ! ” my worries, my anxiety .. every word that I told him, you expressed it beautifully. Nice post. Something I really want to write about some day.

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