I worry a lot.I am infamous for that.It did not seem like it was a problem till recently.When I got outside the familiar territory of people and met more and more people,who pointed out that I do worry and over-think a lot.Because everyone I was closest to,my mom and dad,seem to do that too,some girl friends I have ,women in general,so it all seemed like a necessary extension of my personality.But as an adult,and as an adult who has been camping at home with parents for the last 10 months all over again,and as an adult with an unbiased opinion, I can safely say it has gotten to the point where I now see it as a red flag.
But I want to look at it with a better attitude and not get cowered by it.I feel like I have some issues deep down,some very complex and twisted.I know a lot of us have those similar problems- pressure, acceptance in society and by your peers, pressure to act a certain way, choices to make, relationships and so much more.I have decided to sit down and list them out,may be doing that will help me get to the root of those problems.I might not really weed them out entirely but I want to get a better grip on my emotions and not have them play havoc on my mind like they do sometimes.The past week was one such week and it was awful.
Okay first.I think a lot of my personality has been shaped and influenced by my genetic make-up and my upbringing.I mean I am not blaming anyone for what I am,but I increasingly feel this is one reason.My parents are great,nice people,very guileless and innocent and simple people.But they worry a lot.They sometimes build up these imaginary middle-class walls which are restricting their advance in a society so vice and cruel,and hence feel singled out.It has been generously passed on to me I feel.I always feel like there is this invisible force out to get me,only me.I feel singled out and tested.There are occasions when things have been unfortunate or my luck has not been that good,but to generalise it all into a life of misery is wrong on my part.I have been lucky for the most to be honest,and I would like to thank whoever that is,that I am grateful for so many blessings.I do not want to be this whiny ,tiny person.I think I should stop feeling like I am the only one in problem whenever there is a trouble warning.A lot of people are going through a lot worse.I cannot be entirely selfless all the time,but I must realize that whining and grumbling about something is not a solution.
Second.I am very affected by this peer acceptance thing sometimes.I just feel it instinctively that I will have a problem with certain groups of people and chances are I do vibe horribly.I have a fear of girls.Close-knit women groups.I feel like they sniff out the fear and easily make you a target of their viciousness and gossip.And if you are a little ‘different; in your opinions and conduct, then mother of Lord, you are in deep trouble.You become their only matter of talk.Slime talk.I just feel it.
I feel very comfortable around men.It is easy to fit in,no emotional bonding,just a very easy to understand male-female sexual and easy chemistry.They just let you be and you are not stared at if you walk into a room wearing a better looking dress or with better make-up.You are given other ‘stares’ but the ones which flatter you.
And now this does not have an exact solution,well not in my mind atleast.I think earlier I would get very affected.I faced something like this in my horrible horrible under-grad days.I have seen much better days ever since I got away from this small city.I think it also has something to do with the mind-set.I just do not fit in with every single person.And earlier that,that was my problem! My need to be accepted at every single place.I felt like I was left out of this huge carnivore of girls sniggering at each other.Now I feel I need less friends.I just cannot maintain a lot of friends.I cannot! I need closer friends.And does not matter if you are a man or a woman.
I sometimes still feel sick,like I am pleasing despite knowing I am just pleasing some people.That fear of feeling left out and ignored is so sickening sometimes.It makes me imaginative ,bad imaginative.I come up with fictitious conversations and situations and it goes on and on till I reach a point where I cannot anymore and just give up.
Fact: Not everyone will like you.You just have to make do with what you got.And do not care!
And not every problem has a solution.I have also come to realize that.By no solution I do not mean it will always remain a problem and nothing can be done about it.It just means we do not need to pretend we know it all every single time.Sometimes it is best to just let the pain and sadness wash over you and take its natural cleansing course.One cannot hurry sad periods.It has to be completely consumed inorder to to be completely controlled.
I have decided to join a support group once I go back to Garner.I need someone without pre-medicated judgement to listen to me.To not advice me or offer solutions,but to just hear me out.
I am not going to sit here and lie that by writing all this out I will never again have to deal with these problems.I just want to make an effort to not let them ruin what I have.