when you no longer are curious of what is to come

I have that feeling now when you suddenly realize this is it.This is going to be the picture of my life for the rest of my life.  It almost takes the fun out of living because your mind has made up this decision for you.  So, I have had a decent life.Good schooling, good upbringing, great parents, nothing bad and big enough that we could not take care of, the chance to go abroad for a Master’s which of course I am not putting to any use and a good marriage, a good husband ,good in-laws and a good extended family who cares for each other.But what is next after this? I do not just want to have children and pass on to them the treasure of youth, life, fun and merely watch them grow up with an abundance of life and opportunities infront of them. Yes, it sounds very very rotten and shallow and even sounds like I might be jealous of children and how much they can do if they do not make those wrong decisions I did. So much could be saved, so much could be achieved, so less bitterness.But the truth is I am not jealous of children  or the young ones. I just feel like I am still a child deep down and am still waiting for that proverbial box of chocolates, for some exciting new things, to find my calling, a job where I can one day get promoted at, or for someone to see some little potential in me. Well up until now. I do not like the feeling of a life being wasted away in confusion and in growing old and bitter while someone somewhere is busy taking all the right decisions, has a long time to fix the wrong ones, has a chance to avoid the wrong relationships. Yes, in that sense I feel jealous. And it is also surprising because I am all for making mistakes, learning, experimenting, growing and growing into the life you are living right now rather than being a complete product of a steretypical pattern.But now I feel more and more aware that this is it. My life has probably reached the peak of whatever it could achieve. I will not be going too far from here. I have exhausted all my options and despite feeling happy on the whole, knowing that there will always be the presence of that slight under-current of lingering sadness and bitterness, as a constant foot-note to my life, defeats that spark of hope.
I do sound selfish and largely unhappy. And I can understand where you are coming from but sometimes I want some people to see where I am coming from too and just listen to me.  I have never been a big attention grabber, I just feel like I have faked being strong and hiding in the darkness for a while now. I just need some love and for someone to see where is all this coming from, instead of wishing I would rather not be bitter..


4 thoughts on “when you no longer are curious of what is to come

  1. I totally get it. I do wonder myself whether this is how life is going to be after I settle down. Why can I still not be the child – in the family, at work, amongst friends? Honestly, you never know. May be our life will not be that boring.. We still have the mystery of what we are really going to do with it, right? Leave alone the kids, the family but what about other things? You never know. May be you will write for real one day, may be you will do something else.. It’s not all gone Anwesha. In fact for people like us, we never settle in our mind, do we?

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