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today ..

Today began as one of those days when I just wake up grouchy for no apparent and important reason.

Thankfully though, it is not going to end on those sour notes. I feel a lot better and assured and loved and loving.

We recreated a typical Sunday afternoon from my childhood at our place today. Dad made ‘murg mussalam’, I made some gobi fry and we had it with hot basmati rice and a dollop of cold yoghurt. The aroma of fresh hara dhania, whole garam masala and other fascinating little spices of Indian cooking filled the air in our house today. And it was nostalgic and wonderful because it was really happening and this time in our house.

And now everyone is tucked into bed and I am up trying to study a bit and as I am comprehending and feeling empowered by more knowledge, I feel more and more in control of my future and I feel so superior. Like I have in my brain something that no one can take away from me.

Sometimes I get so self-engrossed and upset about trivial things that I forget how blessed I am. I cannot express enough gratitude for the fact that my parents have been able to come here to spend time with us another summer. That they are in good health and they have the financial ability to do so without having to depend on anyone. That I have the most positive and comforting husband I could ever ask for and we are doing good for ourselves now and we have managed to come out of that huge financial slump we were in last year. We are not ‘there’ yet but we are privileged to sometimes get more than we need and things could always be a lot worse.

There was this patient I was taking care of yesterday and she just put things in perspective for me. Listening to her woes and the several unfortunate things that happened with her family would make anyone want to just curl up into a sorry little ball of self-pity and anger towards life. But her large-heartedness and generosity of spirit in the face of it all is just amazing. Frankly, I cannot picture myself making such a claim ever if things of that nature happened to my family but I want to try to be a bigger person. I also talked to her and told her that I do not think I will stop complaining after that conversation with her and she agreed that it is quite humanely impossible to completely stop complaining, wanting more or as much as that next supposedly blessed person but acknowledging that things could always have been much worse and being in touch with that generous spirit deep inside of us is a really redeeming thing.

I mean what am I even talking about right. This conversation took place yesterday and and yet I woke up grouchy today. The funny thing about my grouchy episodes  is all the time I am thinking in my head about this bottom-line – that I am blessed and I am not that upset when I present things to myself with clarity but my super-ego entity becomes the better of me and demands instant gratification in terms of evil canoodling.

But anyway, I am really just talking to myself. I think at this point in my life I have very very few people I honestly want for to care about these little things.

And yes, I am still allowed my occasional ranting and whining and lows. I cannot feel me without these ugly reminders. But I also am this other me – unruffled deep down, loving, naive ,self-aware and the maker of excellent butter chickens.

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