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Something is suddenly bothering me. I looked at some photos of people I am not even in touch with and who do not matter at all to me and read some comments by some people and just that strong conviction with which they express their highly opinionated remarks which are not necessarily true either is bothering me.

Those people whose photos I chanced upon, some of them made me feel really vulnerable at one point of time. And the fact that it affected me and never seemed to even remotely bother them kind of started that negative thought-process in me. That I am not good enough or not ‘cool’ enough or just very very dispensable.

It has still stayed. I do not think about such people and those icky situations every single waking moment of my life now but they started that bad self-doubting and self-bashing thought process and made me not want to be me. And every now and then, like today precisely, that side of me resurfaces. I start feeling I am just not worthy of love and I have nothing to be proud about and I have nothing special like others.

And I feel very sad. Because I know that there is a reason why am here and I have something special within me too. And I am just letting a handful of individuals with stronger opinions and voices sway me. I am just way too sensitive to survive in this world. I felt like I had desensitized a bit over time, especially over the last 5 years or so, and that I do not sit and analyze every single word of someone who hurt my feelings. May be I have become a bit desensitized but not enough to ignore these deep dark things.  I used to cry and tell John I feel ignored and easily neglected because I am not very aggressive and pushy and I do not have a very loud voice and I tend to keep my opinions to myself. Also, I am not that highly opinionated about every single thing in this world. And he suggested I change that. He tells me good thibgs about myself to remind ne i am very special too.But I have not done much to change who I really am you know. I have not been able to and a part of me foes not want to. I do not want to be aggressive, I do not want to be rude and mean to prove a point, I do not want to shout out loud and express my opinion about feminism, whether or not I think having children is the ultimate goal of life, whether or not women should have rights. I feel that women should but me shouting about it does not make it any more clearer. And I am not a mute spectator either. I protest when I see an animal in pain. I always stop and say a little prayer for that little squirrel that got run over. I am not a feminist and I am not a door-mat either. I am a humanist and I feel for people.

So, why would the world just not let a person, who is not always yapping and expressing their high and mighty opinion and waving their finger in your face to constantly make a point, be that way?

 

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