I have felt a little lost lately. Lost because I feel like I don’t know how to deal with living in this world, dealing with the routine and humdrum , making sense of people and things and actions and words. I felt clearly that I despised humanity and I could not sugar-coat it. I felt like a monster for feeling so distant and detached. I felt like it was wrong to come to such a drastic conclusion. But is it really that drastic? I mean, look everywhere around you. Look at what is going on, at what we have become. Murder, rapes, torture of helpless animals, mistreating the old and frail, fanaticism, terrorism- do you still think I really owe an explanation?
The only reason why it felt a little off saying this out loud was probably because I help sick people, help them,comfort them, help them get better and am trying to become a nurse. And then to have this bad idea of humanity sounds like a diabolical plan.
And this Monday I had to clean a dead,lifeless human body! It was surreal. I was astonished at how while one of the nurses was just crying her eyes out , I was just unable to focus on the grief aspect of it. I was just focused on the more vague stuff like- where is her soul now? How long of a journey will her soul have to make? Whether there was an after-life? And how strange, one moment she was here and now she is gone and we are just cleaning her mortal remains. I thought about this a lot wandering if my state of catatonia had gone too far.
Till a couple of days back at work when I had to care for this elderly lady. She came to the hospital for some heart-related ailment but both she and her husband had fallen at home, something extremely common with elderly folks, and had bruises on their face and bodies. In the process of interacting with her, I realized how nice and kind her spirit was. Her aura was just so powerful, it still makes me want to cry. Cry because you feel good that there is a shred of humanity left. Not all is lost. Both she and her husband just had the kindest of hearts and it showed on their faces. And me and my nurse wanted to go out of our way to help them. I will tell you I am a good person and despite my job requiring I be very nice to all patients, even the arrogant and ignorant ones, the ones who take your help for granted kinds, I am not extra sweet to everyone. I do not mistreat anyone but it is evident I do not go that extra step for everyone. I like to do it for the ones who appreciate it and the ones whose lack of manipulation touches me. Like this couple. I was extremely touched by them. And as I was thinking about how much I liked them, I realized you know I am not a monster. I have feelings and I do care. May be just for the right ones.
I still am very angered by humans. I think we human-beings misuse our being humans and mistreat every other species. We think we can determine everything, make rules, not care for the planet, hurt each other and then drag god and religion into every game we play. Ugh! it annoys me.
I am also not claiming I am here for a revolution. I am one tiny little person. Metaphorically too. I cannot think beyond my immediate concerns as well forget sparking a huge change. I am not saying I am perfect. I am not.
I just had to say it out loud and get it off my chest.