Sometimes I feel lost.
I am happy. Sometimes. I mask all the real emotions very well and hide them all deep inside my mind. But I cannot escape them. I cannot run away from them. They come with me.
All those feelings of low self-esteem, of feeling unappreciated, of thanklessness and of never ever being good enough have returned this time with a greater force.
Why am I like this? Why cannot I be a normal child who is happy, who isn’t over-thinking everything, every detail and every event? Why could not I have a lot of friends, a lot of girl-friends and I could sail through life a bit more superficially? I am not saying people who laugh and enjoy their life are shallow and superficial. I envy them. I want to be them.
I do not want to become this negative cynical person that I have become. Feeling so detached from myself right when am turning 30 has to be a sign. I have either been living a lie for the last 30 years or the next 30 will start off on an ugly, harsh note.
I feel like I need some help.
I desperately need a sign that I am wanted by someone or something. Something that will make me love myself stronger.
At this moment, right now, I have completely fallen out of love with who I am. No, it is more like, I am sad for this person who has no friends, who is not able to make friends, who is never feeling good about herself, who is still struggling to establish herself in her adulthood and who is so easily misunderstood.
I am tired of feeling like this. How far can I run? And who am I running from? I cannot keep running from people, from awkward situations forever, right?
I feel happy at times. I do. I think I feel content and rightfully equate contentment with happiness. That is a form of happiness right. But these negative feelings never go away fully. Even in those happy and calm moments. I find it hard even explaining to myself, let alone you. Or someone who might be paid to listen to me.
I feel like I am unable to make my point clear. I am not an unhappy, negative person. I have become like this. I still could dig in and scoop out that little smidge of hope left somewhere in me. But I feel like everyone around me just brings out my most pathetic and negative side. Then, I become angry. This leads me to terrible feelings of guilt. Followed by more destructive feelings. It all snowballs into me hating the world and the people around me.
I JUST DO NOT FEEL GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANYONE!!!
Can somebody hear me?
Yes, even with a good husband, good parents and blah blah, I think it is not so shocking that I feel this way. Wake up and smell the disillusionment.!