It is very hard for a person like me to ‘stay’ happy. That is what I have become clear about. I really do not think it takes a whole lot to make me happy, but to sustain that happiness is a whole different matter.
The reason being, I am very sensitive. I have failed, as per the world, to develop a thick skin. I am increasingly being made to feel, although very subtly, that inorder to survive in this cold world, I need to change myself.
Yes, I get it. Some changes are meant for the better. And those are the kind I want in my life, in my personality. I have a number of flaws. The same sensitivity that makes me me, also is a big flaw. But being sensitive is not a flaw as such. It is just how much I am and to what.
Yes, I need to ignore some things, certain people- they are never going to understand and never going to change for one person. They are who they are. So, yes, I should perhaps train myself to simple zone them out.
But there have been times I have gotten the signal that I should stoop down to the same level that others exhibit in their dealings with me. But I don’t want that. I don’t want that sort of change. I like that I am not that way despite the barrage of emotional problems it brings with it.
I had this old ,old lady for my patient a couple of weeks back. She was deaf and had experienced a fall at her home which had rendered her sort of helpless and dependent. There was this beautiful aura about her, so kind and nice. She would use the sign language to thank us, thank me and I could feel my heart melting every time she did something like that. While working with her, I realized, you know what? To hell with the world trying its best to change you, train you how to be rude to deal with rude people. At the end of the day, if I can preserve the goodness of my heart and make a stranger feel good about himself, that is really all that matters. I really wanted to thank her, but she wouldn’t have understood. Her goodness and niceness touched me a lot.
Anyway, I am having a splitting headache. It has already gotten nippy here. I feel cold at the slightest drop of temperature. I am the kind of person who wears light cardigans even in summer evenings.
I have been wearing many of my shirts as overshirts lately. I am kinda enjoying this new style sense I have developed.
And, I have decided to blog much more. A little everyday. I always say I will. I don’t know where I fall off the wagon.