a beautiful troubled mind..

Here are a few things, that you must know about me.

It is very, very scary up in my head.

There are these dark labyrinths of guilt, of bitterness, of deep sadness and they make me scared for my sanity.

I went to bed feeling a bit worthless last night. Like, I felt like I did not matter to people who really do not matter. Why? Why cannot I just overnight develop a ‘thick’ skin? Seems like it should be easy enough. Almost everyone I run into has one.

I feel like these thoughts in my head have tentacles which have gripped my soul, my ability to hope and be happy.

I feel very detached. I think I don’t very much enjoy the concept of life. I mean, I like the concept of this infinite cosmos, this vast emptiness that I will eventually be sucked into and will not have a care in the world, but I feel terrified of this living world.

Don’t worry. I am fine, just that overall, these are my cynical feelings about life and such.

I have my cat and my dog and the sky and the moon and I am happy.

I have my candles, the memories that smells and sounds evoke and I am content.

I live a beautiful life inside my head. That terrifying place is also a place of unrequited love and contentment and comfort.

Okay, let’s jump to something light and frothy, completely keeping in tune with the bipolar nature of this blogger.

Here are a few material things I am making a goal of acquiring, slowly over the next several months.

– a big chunky,open sweater/cardigan. I really, really need one this winter.

– a pair of navy or chocolate brown suede booties. The color is debatable. But they have to be acquired because apparently they look very feminine and chic.

– a nice statement necklace. I am eyeing this website. Plus, some others too.

-A good fitting black blazer with a patterned cuff. I need it in my life. I can wait a little while, but not too long.

– I need a  stretchy green pencil skirt. Because I like green and I just want it.

– I need a continuous supply of candles in my life.

I cannot think of more shallow, material but beautiful things now. I will have to keep on adding however.

Well, so since my lab today got cancelled (oh! that’s right, eeek!), I had the satisfaction of sleeping in late and knowing I was not going to rush out the door looking dishevelled and frumpy.

I am just enjoying a nice quiet day in my home, my sanctuary.


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