I took a one hour nap this morning before lab. I just felt so exhausted despite sleeping well yesterday night. Its like the stress of the past few weeks is finally taking its toll on me. I had this strange half-asleep half-awake dream about a lonely window door flapping against itself in a very dilapidated house far away from civilization. It felt so real though. I could almost feel that moment. I still can. The eerie quietness of nobody around, not a soul. Just a window door constantly being flapped by the force of the wind in some God forsaken house. I wonder why I dreamed of that. It was a nice feeling. May be I just want to be away from all the noise and mental chaos for a while? So often in the past I have wanted to just stop and cry.Like, helplessly cry. I feel like being an adult and this whole growing up business is too exasperating. Nobody leaves you alone. Everyone is after your money. Nobody really, really cares. Every one is busy in their own lives and frankly, I get that so I really understand both sides of the story. It is good in a sense we cannot be this miserable all the time. But it is bad because we are all reduced to mere numbers. You know, when you are watching the news and they say “One killed in a wreck.”– I am referring to that ‘one’ number. That is all we become when we live in a world filled with people and every person has a story, a journey, everyone is doing something all the time ,so one ‘one’ person dies, nobody can care as much.
I am tired of things. Of this cycle. Sometimes I really feel like I am headed nowhere.
I just need a little sign. I don’t even know of what frankly. I just need a sign and I will understand what it is for.