Today I had a sudden epiphany while I was in the middle of my class. It is one of those kinds of epiphanies that should not be an epiphany. It should be a thing that I should have known all along and not taken this long to realize. I was doodling on my notes and I wrote to myself
” I am feeling restless today. I want to stop having any regrets. This is my life and this is it. It is beautiful and it is blessed.”
It might seem stupid. Like, duh! why did you ever regret anything? Why did you not like your life up until this moment, you ungrateful little girl.
Well, see, I am kinda known in my circle to be always a little sad, happy sad. I like the constant undercurrent of sadness and aching in my life. It makes me who I am. But a lot of times that is all I am reduced to. A highly negative, sorry and cheerless person.
I do have my moments of quiet optimism and joyous celebration of my life, the people in it and the love, that sometimes is very difficult for me to see. But I do have those moments.
But me writing that today is kinda a big deal for me. Its like, I floated out of my body and looked into my eyes and told myself that stop having regrets. Stop constantly wishing you had known what you wanted to do in your twenties or that you wish you had not failed your parents or that some people liked you/loved you and showed it to you. Just stop. Take what it given to you and just try to make the most of it and love anyway.
This is it you guys. I chose this life. I chose this life where I am going to go to school in my 30s, do well, get myself a career, learn to appreciate what a wonderful husband I have, how calm and gentle he is and how even if sometimes I think he is insensitive, like EVERY other person is at times, he is just very patient and calm with me. I feel blessed that I have the love of two beautiful gentle souls – Vinny and Otto. I have a job I am thankful for, I have few friends but I have friends and for now that is perhaps enough.
It might sound very preachy and false and like one of those Jesus Christ loves you kinda sermons. I am sorry if I offend anyone but I truly am wary of these radical Christ propaganda. I just am. Don’t get me wrong. Any Hindu/Muslim/Buddhist person pushing anything down my throat will meet the same raised-eyebrows look.
Also, I am human. I might have had a wonderful moment today and I just might lose all your respect by being the exact opposite tomorrow in a weak moment. I cannot be sorry though. It all comes with being human and admitting to not being perfect all the time.
Okay, beautiful moment speech over. Get on with your lives. Please.