my name is trouble..

We both kind of stayed up last night and by that I mean, we were yawning and complaining of headaches by 1230. We were all tucked in under our warm comforter and cuddled by 1. That is the latest we have managed to stay up. We really overdid it yesterday guys!. Naturally, I woke up late and felt an instant heaviness in my head. I had may be a glass of wine. I have been feeling this way for days now and the hypochondriac in me is having a fun time. Anyway, while I studied away for a couple of hours post morning coffee and social media catching up, my poor husband got called into work, which sucked.

We did however have like a small lunch date. We went to this small diner like place near my very first apartment in the US. I had been craving chili cheese fries for 2 weeks now and I finally got my paws on it. This place sells hot dogs, sliders and the like. I enjoyed our little lunch date.

Then we decided to stop by the farmer’s market but it was way too windy and we took off after only buying a bag of ‘pink lady’ apples.

Back home I made a honest attempt of studying but I was fooling no one. I just could not. I have really been very slack since the last exam. I need to step it up a notch if I want to pass this semester and get moving.

And, its back to the grind from tomorrow. I feel like I have mentally checked out. But next week is our last week of clinicals and am glad it is. 2 more weeks of school and then I can breathe.

I also am going to make a few calls tomorrow to some therapists I have zeroed down and see, just see, what comes of it. I did not have any triggers that prompted me to look this matter up again, but yesterday I sort of had an epiphany about this whole depression thing. I was sitting by myself on the couch, in the dark, in front of the laptop and in my jammies while my husband was at work. We had decided to go Christmas decor shopping after he got back and he seemed so excited and happy about it and trust me, I was too but it felt like this huge effort to want to get up from that comfortable and safe hideout of my couch to get ready and step out into the world. I started feeling weary and antsy,and it seemed like a monumental task. And its not like I did not know, I had read many definitions of depression by people who suffer from it, but it suddenly made sense. Like, hey, it is happening. I just don’t have it in me sometimes to do the simple things, get up and participate and just enjoy. I am either guilty, apologetic, too excited only to quickly find out somebody else can dampen my spirits just like that or sad.

I have this perpetual under-current of sadness that sort of feeds me and keeps me alive.

I think I need to see if talking to someone will help me re-focus my thinking.

I don’t know, I just want to act better, feel better for the sake of my husband cause Lord knows, I am no picnic and I would not want to deal with myself all the time.


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