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peace in my heart

I am not feeling alright. That crazy, emotional switch in my head has flipped on again for some reason. I saw something on a social media site and I am suddenly very aware of my lack of ability to easily make friends, understand people dynamics and behave in social situations. I feel aware of my exclusion from  people’s social circuits. Just a handful of people and their rejection of me is enough to send me spiraling down this dark tunnel of self-doubt and low self-esteem.

I wonder why I am doing this to myself? Why? Why? I mean, I know and I have somewhat accepted that I will never be the person who has a thousand friends, who gets invited to every damn party and I also very much know I do not even want to go to these parties because I know I will not be able to be myself. So, why am I picking on myself so much over a stupid, almost made-up issue?

If it is not anger directed at my mother-in-law for making me feel outright non-existent, it is resentment at not being included in the life events of a few handful of people, who really do not matter to me so to say, on a social media platform.

This is honestly my problem. MINE. Not my MIL’s or of those people because they did not make me feel bad about myself. I am.

When did I get so sucked into this social media acceptance of myself?

I do not think I am at fault here. Neither are all those shy, quiet, introverted adults I know that exist who also go through this horrible feeling and equate it to being their failure somehow. I think we all are made differently and that adds to the weird crazy balance of this world. For every smart, cocky, social adept person, there is an equally quiet, shy and aloof one and someone who was made by the same forces of the universe. Right?

I need to take a step back and just learn how to accept myself, regardless of whether I am accepted the way I am by others. I want to be honest with myself, to myself. I am not/ never was a people pleaser. I have never been great at easily making friends but hey, I do have friends and may be for now that is just enough.

It is not easy just learning to be at peace. It is the hardest on the contrary.

But I am going to try dammit.

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