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Nirvana

Okay. This is attempt number 153 to assure you and most of all myself, that I sincerely intend to blog more frequently.

I am tired of excuses. I think I am just that lazy. It is horrible, right?

So, it is a new year and a new slate. Let’s start fresh.

I did not exactly have a good Sunday. I was very down and mopey. I was feeling extremely hopeless. So, it is probably a good thing I did not come here and blog about it. It is just sad how I feel so self-aware blogging about my true state of mind on my own little space because I am worried of the negative image I will be portraying of myself. To people of the internet. Yeah. Sad. But I have noticed how I myself will skip past posts or stories that are sad and depressing because you know, who needs more of that in their life? We all want an escape from our’s. Going to the internet in hopes of avoiding dealing with your own shit and running into a sad post like mine will probably not help your case.

I do really think way too much about how we all affect each other in the big scheme. But then again, I also think it is completely fair if I wrote way too much about how I am always unhappy or complaining. Lately, I have been down. Down for a long time or just fleetingly happy. Let’s put it that way. And writing helps me. So, I guess my point is we have to deal with it- me with whatever self-image I am portraying and you, with my state of mind.

Anyway. Today is MLK day , so school is off. I am just hating being in school right now. It is that last 11 month stretch before I graduate. I have been in school since 2012 for this nursing program. I am kinda beat. This weekend I heard of 2 people’s pregnancies. Honestly, it is terrible to admit but I could not be happy for them. It immediately reminded me of how I am not. And not that we are even trying now. So, yeah, I cannot get pregnant. It is more about how it seems to require so much less planning and thinking on other people’s part and how it seems ‘easy’. We have never really been in the becoming pregnant phase but that is also because of the million other things we need to sort out before we could even possibly embark on the “let’s try.” phase. Money, house, school, help from parents or in-laws, being able to even afford a delivery….Oh God! Just makes me angry.

Sometimes I pray to this unseen ‘God’ to please help me just learn to give up control of planning and to just wait patiently for things to happen on their time. (I probably sounded like one of those very religious bloggers out there.) I just want to be 3 things:

At peace

Happy with what I have, who I am and who I have in my life

Patient.

Its no joke that I am asking for the 3 most hard to obtain things. I could, I could even someday buy a $2000 chanel bag, which btw I will never feel right about spending that much on a bag, but I can never just wake up one day and be happy. It needs effort and time. It needs me to try harder for these things than I will ever for that job position, that house on the cul de sac or that dress on sale that 500 other women are also online bidding for.

You get my drift?

I hope I will return more frequently with some in-your-face-happy posts soon 🙂

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