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nobody on the road..

I am just a very strange, strange person. An anomaly if you will. I sometimes sit in the comfortable loneliness of my home, which I created deliberately partly out of being an introvert and partly because I think I hate people ( well, not all but some kinds more than others), and ache for some companionship. I never receive just cause phone calls. I have never. May be when I was a young girl in school. I used to have a few such friends. But even now I can see patterns of the true adult that was hidden in me. I have a few people I like but I like them to be still outside my very small and guarded boundary. I have wanted a few to come in but I have felt scorned or scared or both and then not wanted too much closeness.

I love the quietness and solitude of my own company and that of my husband. Don’t get me wrong. I also like to be around people but if I had to choose, hell, I would choose the former any day. But then some days, the loneliness and silence are soul-piercing and very tangible. I am aware I have no one. Yes, I went out and hung out with 3 of my friends yesterday and had an AWESOME time but I still feel deep down I am a loner.

I am trying very hard to stop feeling pressurized by past patterns and friendships. But I am a strange, strange girl, that’s all I can say really.

And also, what is it with me and dropping things. Ugh! I want to put my fist through the wall every time I drop something. I feel like a clutz.

I have made myself some tea. I am not looking forward to the 12 hr grueling nurse aide shift tomorrow but in all fairness I have not worked in a while, so there is no excuse for me.

I am also going to go ahead and make some aloo (potato) sandwiches for me for my lunch tomorrow. I hope they turn out like what I have in mind- from the streets of India.

Sometimes, the word ‘India’ also sounds strange to me. Surreal. I do not know at times what to make of it.

You know..

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One thought on “nobody on the road..

  1. God I love this woman! I truly do! You are my everything Anwesha and if the rest of the world doesn’t see how amazing you are then it’s a huge loss for them. But I also understand how easy it is to feel lonely sometimes but at other times just want to be alone. Wanting to have space and your own place free from others and be alone but then also feel disappointed or unimportant from within your loneliness. Very glad we have each other 🙂

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