I know that I am not entitled to anything, any thing, and that the world owes me nothing but at times I still feel like I deserve somethings. I feel bitter and jealous. With me, everything has taken time. Everything. I have never been handed anything without a struggle. It makes me bitter and angry.
I know playing victim is probably the most annoying thing to do and to witness. I hate it when I witness it. But dear God, I wish a few things could just work themselves out without me having to walk on fire to secure them. The house search thing is making me depressed. My husband cannot seem to like anything. No house is able to live up to his extremely fastidious standards. The one house we did like, both of us, slipped from our hands really fast. The lease on this fuck of a townhouse is going to end soon, a letter from the leasing office is sitting on the coffee table asking us if we want to renew our lease or not and we need to act on it fast. I am feeling desperate here for my son. He needs more room to play in. I feel bad for him.
I wish for just some peace in my mind. It is angry and raging. Angry at the husband, at society for making me angry over these man-made ploys of security and success, at the world and people in general. Logically, I have NO right to be angry at anyone, not even myself, but the logical part of my brain is heavily over-powered by the stronger, evil illogical half.
I am going to try to keep myself busy so that I don’t lose my mind over this. Lots of errands to run. I want to try to clean out my closet so that I can get rid of items that have been sitting there for years, may be de-cluttering that space will help de-clutter my mind. I don’t know. Just giving it a shot.